It is the first day of December. Last night, in the waxing moonlight, the stars were a reflection of the snow-sparkle on the ground, and I was held between in the clear and silent cold as I walked up the hill to my home. I didn’t want to be anywhere else, just there, breathing in the cold air and hearing only the crunch of my steps, dizzy from tipping my head back to feel the sky. I’m slightly off my moon cycle blog writing schedule, but today feels like a good day to give you the download from last Tuesday’s New Moon in Sagittarius.

Sagittarius is a fiery sign, the image of a centaur letting an arrow fly, Chiron, or the son of Pan, Crotus, who invented archery. Both of these images represent someone taking action, and this is what my download was about. I saw myself taking action on my desires, and thinking about how to become more skilled at doing this.

Taking action has never really been my strong point. I sat on my dissertation for a long time. I enjoy the feeling of having lots of time and not having to take action. I like putting things off to the point that I have sometimes missed opportunities. I can over identify with the feminine energies of allowing, of being passive and responsive instead of assertive, so I know I need to bring some balance to this aspect of myself. Maybe it is also how I define myself that keeps me from being active. I was programmed to see myself as a woman, learned early on how to identify as a victim, and spent much of my early adult life putting myself in dangerous situations which allowed me to learn that I needed to protect myself. On my bulletin board there is a card I have travelled with for a while, the image of a princess waiting, fragile and sore. The romantic ideal relies on this idea of a passive female figure. To my credit, as much as I have identified with this version of the feminine, I have also always loved mythological female figures that are active, daring and dynamic. Diana hunts, Athena wages war and commands the intellect, Medusa turns you into stone with her eyes. Yet it is hard sometimes to forget the negative perception of active female energy, best summarized in our western ideology by the story of Eve and the apple. My experience has taught me as much. How many times have my actions resulted in rejection, in coming across as too much, in being misunderstood? And though I love envisioning female desire as active, it is often easier to sit back and not take action. I feel safer that way, and when I want to take action, a lot of fear comes up. So I’ve often gone back and forth between these two extremes, conscious of when I accepted being passive, then revolting against it. A lot of my intellectual work as revolved around thinking about love and working out how to imagine both sides of the love equation as active. Maybe part of the problem is the polarity of this thinking: I’m either doing or not doing. Maybe there is a middle ground, and if there is one, I think it is located in the seed of my desires.

My desires, especially my deepest ones, do not want to be given short shrift or left in the closet of my consciousness. Lately I have been paying attention to them, unearthing them and accepting them. My desires are powerful, they are keys to creation, and if I want to improve the world, I need my will, however refused or demeaned it has been. I think it is important though to be able to define true desires versus false or imposed desires. My material needs are met, so I need to be wary of wanting more, in a superficial way. And it is important to know why we have certain desires. Are they coming from the right place? Do I want something or someone because I need reassurance or attention, or is my desire the reflection of a deeper need, a universal imperative for the good of all? Lately I seek to identify which of my desires deserve to be held up to the light of manifestation. Which ones are false projections and which ones are true?

Which leads me to action. Which desires do I want to take action on? Will my actions harm anyone or anything around me? It seems to me that the desires that come from a true place within me are easy to take action on, whereas those that are superficial feel harder to act on, sometimes come from a place of fear, and have the potential for negative fallout. But if I can first identify my true desire, I can then work on right action. This all feels very hypothetical to me at the moment. Let me see if I can give you an example, related to my work with the plant world:

When I started my business, it came from a place of wanting to share my gifts with the world in a way that would improve the situation of the Earth and her inhabitants. Taking action at first came easily, and still does, when I listen to the plants. They remind me of our interconnection, and point me in the right direction. They help me see my true desires. Mugwort reminds me I want to see clearly through my dreams, so I need to write them down in the morning. White Pine has lately been reminding me I want to stay healthy through the winter, I want to feel grounded and safe, and if I tune into these desires, I know which actions to take on a day to day basis: drink lots of water, spend time outdoors. Lemon Verbena reminds me to relax, and leads me to using her salve in certain ways. Somehow, listening to the plants helps me identify my true desires and be able to activate my will in a way that will not harm and will help myself and others. Sometimes it is hard to listen to this outer voice of my desire, but I find that if I listen from a place of connection, I can stay in the flow of my action and I will not cause harm . This leaves me in a place of gratefulness and right relationship. Listening to the plants brings me home.

This reminds me of an Aleutian story I learned this summer, Fox Woman, and how, after many trials, her running steps planted stars. I wonder how you integrate and contemplate your desires, and how they lead to your actions. If you would like to talk to me about how to feel more interconnected and how to take action based on this feeling, make an appointment with me here! I would love to talk to you about how to activate more heart-centered actions, and this dark time is a good time to unearth some forgotten desires. I’d love to hear what the plants have to say about yours, and help you listen in yourself.

Here is to all your pointed arrows that reach their destinations and arrive, shining brightly and leading you home.

Lots of still and frosty love,

Amy

I’m waiting for the Full Moon in Sagittarius, fasting and watching what comes out of my shadow. I’ve been deep in shadow work the last few weeks, watching old narratives play out and dealing with old emotional reactions, feeling at odds in some ways with the waxing moon which often brings me more light and energy, but seeing how she sheds light on all things as she grows. She’s up there conjunct Jupiter, showing me the expansive nature of my gestures to escape myself. Sagittarius is about idealism and travel, going beyond and above, while Jupiter wants to party at home, so the Moon opposite the sun there, square Neptune, can fuel conflict as we are forced to see the ways we try to escape our situations, inevitably getting pulled back down to where we came from. Mercury and Mars on the North Node are opposite Saturn and Pluto on the South Node, and that feels like a real showdown, dark and fiery, my past versus my future versus my trajectory in this life. I haven’t been feeling very comfortable, have you? I haven’t felt very empowered to change any emotional patterns either, I’ve been feeling sort of stuck, but maybe this is because I am in the midst of adapting to intense exterior change, and because all the waxing moon is really meant to do is reveal and show. Almost a month ago I officially left Switzerland where I’ve lived since 2003. Fifteen years of identities are falling away and I’m not sure who I am. This is what I see:

A woman with a PhD who feels like a child most of the time. I just moved back in with my parents, and while I was transitioning the last two years, moving back to the US from Switzerland, this seemed like a good idea. Now that I am no longer transitioning, the reality of how it makes me feel is sobering. Sometimes I wish I were miles away again. Yet I’m here because I followed the stream, went with the flow of life, took the path of least resistance, and this is important to me. I believe that this is where I am supposed to be. All my striving to always be somewhere else, be someone else, had to end. I’ve always been running away from myself. I’m not sure what to do with what I see, however. It’s a discovery.

A woman starting a business who doesn’t feel valid and compares herself to others. There is the feeling of being a fraud, which follows me around no matter how experienced I get or how many degrees I have. What makes me deserve to be in this position? Why should I strive to be independent when the rest of the world is not in the flow at all but running in the rat race? Because it is vitally important, for the world at large and the particular animals and plants that we stop running. And that is what I am doing. I want to stop running. This does engage some risk, however. If I stop running, where will I be, who will I be? It’s a discovery.
A daughter who wants to help her family and community and save the world. Of course all of this running couldn’t be stopped if I didn’t have a place to stop, and I am very grateful that I do have a kind of pause setting to be on for a little while, while I build my business and settle. But there is a kind of vulnerability in doing what I am doing that I am not used to. I have been embracing my vulnerability in the last few years, seeing strength in it, but it still feels strange to be here and to not really know what I am doing or where I am going, a big step forward into humility, and my critical mind often won’t let me be. How does one belong to community? How do I help my family in a way that feels regenerative to me? How do I stay when I have never stayed? How do I stay free of despair in the face of all that is dying around me in order to take the ethical action needed to change the world? It’s a discovery.

Maybe the eyes of the flowers have taught me to see myself more clearly. It’s as if I can see myself devoid of color. I’m a kind of outline. The material is fading. I suppose I’m getting back to some more essential core of me, but what if nothing is there once I get to it? That is fear. Stories teach me to embrace it.

I am reminded of the Inuit story of Skeleton Woman that Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote down in her book Woman Who Run with Wolves. Skeleton woman drags along clanking behind us until we embrace her and bring her home. So I’ve been hunting and running and finally, back home, I have to cry on myself and take out my heart and hear it beat and sing myself whole again. It’s a long journey. Sometime, I don’t know when, I wrote a poem about it:

I’m smilling at Lady Skeleton.
Underneath the skin
of our perfect bodies,
there is fear.
But why? It is only bones,
only that fragile stuff we are made of
only what is necessary, intrinsic, true,
the other side of beauty and of joy
this dark mother that will pull us to her breast.

I would like to look at you
and say we are the same
and pull you to me too
and forgive this mighty love
for that pain which, because we are human
and small, must drip from its bones
or grow from its head like hair.

I would like to go to you
and embrace this darkness too,
this freezing that must come
for there to be a thaw.
I’m smiling at Lady Skeleton.

Maybe the light of the moon is so bright it is like an x-ray, teaching me to see through me to the skeleton within so that I can smile at myself again, make her whole again. I know she wants me to be free.

Nobody else has the plot line for our lives; it is up to us to make it.

Do you want to work on uncovering your shadow and singing or writing or drawing yourself back whole again with the help of the plants? I’d love to hold your hand as we discover what it is we are all about. You can sign up for a free exploratory call with me here. I’d love to talk to you about connecting with the flowers too. Are you curious about how they might help you see yourself more clearly? Have a look at which ones call to you here. My shop is up and running and I can take payments with Paypal and credit cards! This feels like a miracle. If you are not subscribed, sign up to get my blog and special gifts and offers here - coming up soon, a free guide to plant communication!

I hope the moonlight helps you grow all you want to grow and release all you want to let go.

Lots of green and growing love,

Amy

Stars Are Arrows that Arrive: Taking Action With the New Moon in Sagittarius

Waiting for the Full Moon in Sagittarius: Observing Shadow, Finding Skeleton Woman, Setting her Free